News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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