I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
