You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
