I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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