Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
