I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
