today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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