theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
