Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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