one word: firstdatebathroomanal
tell your sister to shave her snatch
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
