She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
