it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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