I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
