why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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