community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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