Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
