Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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