woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
