Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
