when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
