i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
