Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
