8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
