I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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