I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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