you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
