Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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