How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
