Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
