Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
