Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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