I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
