She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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