Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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