Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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