If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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