After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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