I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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