you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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