god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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