Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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