Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
