My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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