She went from zero to smokin in five shots
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
