I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
