Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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