The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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