I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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