I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
His hands were made for my vagina.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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