I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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