Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
