every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize