ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
