wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
