Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
