he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
