Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
