he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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