My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
