I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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