Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
