Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
