I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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